Whether in love or guidance, choose kindness.
In honor of Valentine’s Day, I’m starting a multi-part series on a topic I love to talk about: love. Why don’t we learn marriage counseling topics until it’s too late? Scientists have studied relationships for decades, put couples in a lab, and predicted their divorce potential with over 90% accuracy. For making such a monumental decision, I am personally offended that they didn’t teach me that when I was 18!
Relationship science is also rarely taught in the workplace. However, it has immense relevance. It just happens that you can’t put two coworkers in a room and pay a therapist $ 300 an hour to solve their problems. However, professionals spend more waking hours talking to coworkers than to friends and family. If there is research that can help people who spend two days a week together, why not share it with those we spend five with?
Here is the first of my top articles from Capsule’s Mission 8: Choosing, Loving, and Fighting Well, and How They Affect Both Work and Life.
Tip 1: choose kindness
Choose friendliness in the tour:
Would you rather work with a competent idiot or a lovable fool? Amazingly, the researchers took all the traits we use to describe personality and discovered a universal dimension of social knowledge: all of these traits can be defined on a scale of warmth and competence.
Most would agree that jobs require a certain level of competence. These results are therefore situation-dependent. However, research generally shows that heat is assessed faster, makes a greater contribution to the assessment, and is perceived as more permanent and more accurate. Warmth is weighted more heavily in assessing others, while competence is weighted more heavily by us. How many people lose their jobs because they focus on being competent without realizing that they are dominating when their humility could make them popular?
Let’s look at the HR stats to demonstrate the impact. According to a Leadership IQ study conducted on 5,247 hiring managers over a three-year period, 89% of these errors are due to a lack of soft skills rather than hard skills when new hires don’t work. The top 5 ways people have failed?
26% because they cannot accept feedback
23% because they cannot understand and manage emotions
17% because they lack the necessary motivation to excel
15% because they have the wrong temperament for the job
The lack of technical skills came in 5th and only affected 11% of the failures
When hiring or interviewing, choose (and display) kindness.
What does this have to do with marriage counseling?
Choose kindness in love:
Researcher Ty Tashiro, author of The Science of Happily Ever After, gives a fun and informative TED talk on the characteristics that predict a happy marriage. It can seem depressing that even the happiest marriages lose satisfaction over time. However, there is one thing that can convey the downfall: choosing the right characteristics of a partner from the start.
Tashiro asked people about the three most important characteristics they wanted in someone significant. While most respondents said they wanted someone (obviously, right?), In practice did they prioritize … you guessed it, looks and money. He followed these couples to determine a “return on investment” in the relationship. If we were to say that every relationship starts with $ 1 million, couples with poor choices will have lost ~ $ 800,000 by year 13. On the contrary, those couples who chose traits such as kindness and emotional stability have only lost 10% of relationship satisfaction and have adjusted to long and lasting love.
The nice thing is that even a trait like friendliness can be learned. Yes, it’s about more than common sense! In fact, it’s surprisingly much more nuanced and tactical, and relationship science breaks it down for us in ways that leadership courses don’t. In the following series I’ll explain how.
For now, happy Valentine’s Day!
Jasmine Chen is the founder and CEO of Capsule, a comprehensive cognitive training program that helps you control your mind, improve work productivity, and build lasting relationships.