Learning to Sit With Uncertainty – My Brain’s Not Broken

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Earlier this week I shared some news about adjusting to the fact that after almost a year I had to stop seeing my therapist. It’s a process I’m used to – in fact, this is the greatest achievement I’ve ever had with a therapist – but there is something familiar in this position. Whether I feel like starting from scratch or having to jump in the pool to find someone to talk to about my life, it’s not a feeling that I enjoy. But I think what I like the least is that it brings a lot of insecurity in my everyday life – an insecurity that has hurt my mental health in the past.

Over the past few years, I’ve learned how the concept of certainty affects my mental health. It’s amazing how much of my fear comes from dealing with uncertainty. Big or small, important or insignificant, my fear is very easily triggered by not having all the details or not understanding what is going on.

That being said, this clearly seems like a textbook situation for this fear. The negative twist I could make is clear, and the core of that negativity is my fear of insecurity. I don’t know what the next step is for my mental health. I don’t know what to do right now to practice mental wellbeing. I feel like I am in a position where I can find new ways to manage my mental health and live with anxiety and depression.

But is that better? Is it worse I really do not know it. And it will eat me up for a while until I make a plan. I wish more people would understand that taking things at face value doesn’t really exist when you are living with a mental illness. You are already battling painful assumptions, cognitive biases and negative thoughts on a daily basis. And that’s a completely normal day! Once you introduce unexpected changes or situations where you have to adapt on the fly, those challenges become so much more difficult and can become overwhelming.

Right now I think about what it would mean to sit in uncertainty. I’ve never explored it before and it seems like an alien concept. But I wonder if it would be helpful to sit in the fact that for the first time in almost a year I haven’t booked an appointment to speak to someone about my mental health. I don’t have a space that I’ve made to sit in my thoughts and feelings. Maybe … is that a good thing?

I often view change as a gross disruption to my routine, but I rarely think critically about whether that routine was good. Am I doing what I need to do to maintain my mental wellbeing and manage my mental health? Or am I doing what I think I have to do these things? Anyway, I think it’s worth exploring and I hope to take this opportunity to be more open and honest with myself about how I deal with my mental health. This is the best way I know to find certainty – maybe not the step I thought I would take, but an important one for my mental health.

Has a change in your everyday life ever had a positive effect on your mental health? Can disturbances in our life sometimes be a good thing? Let me know in the comments!

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